What Coming Out Has Taught Me

I started coming out to family and close friends just over a year ago. Seven months later I decided to come out publicly through my blog. Both were equally terrifying, vulnerable, and rewarding. The growth I've experienced since coming out has been overwhelming. Among the many things I've learned from coming out, there are two I wanted to reflect on today: patience and love. 

About two years ago I came out over the phone to a gay friend of mine whom I had met while living in Tulsa the year before. He was one of the first people I came out to - he was at a safe distance and I desperately needed to talk some things out. The first thing he said to me after I voiced my concerns was, "Take your time. You don't have to make any decisions today." It's some of the best advice I have received since beginning my coming out journey. I spent the next year thinking about my faith, my worth, the consequences of my choices, my happiness, and so much more. Every time I felt overwhelmed, like I had to make a decision, I would take a deep breath and recall the words my friend had said to me - "Take your time. You don't have to make any decisions today." I tried not to act rashly. I gave myself the space to change my mind.  

“Every time I felt overwhelmed, like I had to make a decision, I would take a deep breath and recall the words my friend had said to me - “Take your time. You don’t have to make any decisions today.””

I learned to be patient with myself as I struggled to see my life through a different lens. It was hard work breaking away from the stories I had been fed about homosexuality, stories that had caused me to feel broken and hopeless. When I moved to North Carolina to start my first full-time job, I was still coming to terms with my sexual orientation and working to figure out my spiritual orientation. I tried my best to maintain a long distance relationship with my first boyfriend as well as my family and friends. Moving to a place where I knew no one and was living alone proved to be harder than I expected. It was one of the most challenging times of my life and, as I failed and fell down again and again, I tried to be patient with myself. When I didn't perform well at work because things felt hard outside of work, I tried to be patient with myself. When I thought I was going crazy because the stories I was fighting seemed impossible to overcome, I told myself, "It's okay, you'll figure this all out eventually. Give yourself some time." Learning to start accepting yourself while making huge life changes takes time. And it's okay. 

I also learned to be patient with others. When I first started coming out, people had a lot of advice to offer and warnings to give. It was hard to listen to and frustrating to hear the lack of understanding or validation in their responses. Despite my hurt and frustration, I knew I couldn't expect others to understand something they didn't experience, something that had taken me years to reconcile. I had to see that their counsel came from a place of love and concern for me. I needed to be patient with them as they fumbled and sometimes utterly failed to respond in a healthy and supportive way. I still strive to be patient with friends and family who are trying their best to figure out how to accept the reality of my circumstances and support the choices I'm making in order to be authentic and happy. 

Admittedly, it is hard for me to be patient with some members and leaders of the church I grew up in. I feel hurt by policies and statements that communicate intolerance for a gift God gave me that threatens "conservative" values and "traditional" constructs. These discriminatory stances do not reflect the charity and love taught by the same people. I wish they would see the damage it is causing and find a place in their congregations for people, like me, who want to be in loving, committed relationships, regardless of their God-given sexual orientation. I try to be patient with these institutions and people because I believe they are trying to do what they believe is right. Maybe one day they will see me as God does and recognize the value I can add having fought hard to find my worth in order to thrive in this world despite their hurtful and hopeless teachings.

The most important thing coming out taught me this past year was how to love. When I was closeted I was ashamed of who I was and hated a very real and undeniable part of me. Coming out has meant learning to love what I once hated - my homosexuality. From ugly cries on the phone with my sister to repeated self mantras of Brene Brown's famous words "You are enough," I can say confidently that I love myself much more today than I did one year ago. I have embraced my homosexuality and believe that I am as capable as anyone else, gay or straight, of doing good in the world and being happy.

“I can say confidently that I love myself much more today than I did one year ago. I have embraced my homosexuality and believe that I am as capable as anyone else, gay or straight, of doing good in the world and being happy.”

I believe firmly that you can only love others as much as you love yourself. As my self-compassion increased, my compassion for others increased as well. I spent the last year deepening a few close friendships rather than trying to collect admirers and it saved me. I learned how to truly show my love and support for these people and got better at believing and receiving their love and support for me in return. My friendships have deepened more than they ever have before because letting myself be seen has helped me trust others' love for me.

I also allowed myself to experience romantic love in the way that resonates most with me and it has been more healing and fulfilling than I ever imagined. When I started dating Jack we agreed that we could change our minds at anytime of it didn't feel right. We both half-hoped that it would fail miserably so that we could walk away and more easily decide to continue on the path prescribed to us by our faith, family, and friends. That didn't happen. Instead, I felt my heart start to heal from years of hurt and bondage and begin to beat for and along with a person who I not only felt physically attracted to but also truly admired and felt completely safe to be me around. I allowed myself to have all the butterflies and I felt more than ever the desire to fight for a relationship I believed would bring me more happiness than I had ever felt. It has definitely been a fight, but it has been worth every effort. I doubted my ability to fall in love with and selflessly serve a romantic partner but allowing myself to love Jack has helped me to realize I have the ability to love deeply when I do it the way I was meant to. 

“Allowing myself to love Jack has helped me to realize I have the ability to love deeply when I do it the way I was meant to. ”

It's been such a challenging and rewarding year. I've done a lot of work to be where I am now emotionally, spiritually, and mentally. There's still a lot of work to do but I'm more grateful than ever to be gay. It helped me to start the terrifying and incredible journey of self-discovery and self-love. I wouldn't trade it for the world.