Honor Your Hunger
Something big happened today. I finished a book! I finished a book for the first time in. . . I don’t know how many years! That’s partly due to the fact that I’ve been in school for eight years, and partly due to the fact that I hardly ever read fiction (I like to stick with the self-help books, but I hardly ever finish them).
The book is called “Intuitive Eating” (Yes, it’s a self-help book) and its brilliant. Here’s the deal, I’ve struggled with my weight since I was 14. At 14 years old I started putting on weight as my body was prepping for its growth spurts. In all reality, it wasn't much, but due to an extremely distorted self-image, this weight was pretty mortifying for me, why? Because I bought into this cultural bullshit lie that a person’s worth is somehow reflected in their weight/looks. By the time I was sixteen I was so obsessed and stressed about it that I decided to go on a diet. While on this diet I counted calories, exercised regularly, and dropped a good amount of weight. I felt very accomplished and proud of myself because. . . I had done it. I had done the thing that makes people value a person. (Eye roll). Now, I’m not saying that there is anything wrong with getting healthier, but my perspective was all wrong.
While I lost weight at 16, what I really lost was my ability to trust my body and my internal signals. In turn, my body lost its trust in me. I started a long and painful/losing battle of trying to “control” my weight by “controlling” my food choices. Every failed attempt would lead to a span of binge eating, and then guilt on guilt on guilt; body hatred, shame, guilt, dieting, weight loss, body worship, “control,” losing “control,” weight gain, guilt, shame, body hatred. . . goes on and on.
I don't know exactly when this was taken, but I was around 16.
Fast forward ten years or so. I’m getting ready for my Senior year in MDT and prepping to move to New York and pursue my Broadway dreams. There is this ever present screaming voice in my head that I have to have a six pack by the time I graduate or I will never get a job. This isn’t just coming from me, mind you, I have teachers dropping subtle and not-so-subtle hints that I need to make sure I’m going to the gym. Also, I can watch TV just as well as the next person and I’m very aware of what is expected for someone of my particular height and skill-set if I want to be taken seriously in the entertainment industry as a professional (My issues with the industry are a topic for another day). Because of these stories and “hints” I jumped into that last year as determined as ever. “This time! This time it will happen. This will be the time I actually do it; I actually have the self-control to make it happen. And when I leave school I will leave with my shirt up so I can brandish my washboard abs as a trophy of my worth and dedication.” (Giant eye roll).
I started off the year doing the Whole 30, which I first and foremost did in an attempt to overcome a five month cold. Weight loss, as much as I tried to deny it, was also a priority. But, as all diets go, It didn’t take long after I completed my 30 days to put back on whatever weight I had lost. (Also, it didn’t help me get over my sinus issues either, so… bust.) Naturally, I felt irresponsible, guilty, and like a total failure. GUILTY?! Guilty, as if I had committed some MORAL indiscretion by gaining weight. What?!
Shortly after that I got cast as Joseph in “Joseph and the Amazing Technicolor Dream Coat.” I figured getting cast in this role would be as good a motivation as any. The thought of being shirtless in front of an audience was terrifying to me, and that fear motivated me to start losing some weight. And I did lose some . . .
And then I had an emotional break down. I mean, I FELL APART! Like, sobbing myself to sleep at night kind of fall apart; anxious-wreck-all-of-the-time, and no-appetite-ever kind of fall apart. I basically ate a few small fruits a day for a month, because that's all I could stomach. It was messy and horrible, and I’m happy to have it behind me. This episode lasted well over a month, and in that time I got down to probably the lowest weight I’ve been in my adult life. And guess what happened? people started complimenting me. And, it was nice. And it felt good. And, it also felt a little wrong. And then It kind of made me mad. As I started coming out of my meltdown and getting more stable, I started getting more and more upset that people were complimenting me on losing weight without knowing why. My weight loss was a side effect of something awful that I had been experiencing, and people were COMPLIMENTING ME FOR IT!
That was the moment I started to call bullshit on the entire mentality. It really rubbed me the wrong way that the side effect of some dark time of my life was being applauded by people around me. To be honest, I’m not mad at any one specific person that complimented me, I know that no one meant any harm by it, rather I’m mad at this idea that weight loss makes a person more anything besides healthy, and if the weight loss in not healthy, then it should NOT BE APPLAUDED. That was when I decided to stop commenting on weight loss. So if you are looking for a compliment from me on your latest diet experience, you are going to have to look elsewhere. I’m just happy to be friends with you, no matter what you look like.
Anyway, that was the beginning of the end for me. In a proverbial middle finger to the world, my teachers, and the entertainment industry, I simply stopped dieting. I started eating whatever I wanted. And I ate, and ate, and ate. I figured if it was going to take an emotional disaster to get me to an industry acceptable body weight then I was over it. The entire experience made me second guess if theatre was what I really wanted to do. I also knew that after I graduated I really wanted to go spend some time with Trevor to see what possibilities our relationship had, so I said “eff it” and I tried to quit worrying about it
Trevor was very supportive of my decision to quit dieting, but it was very scary to me. I knew the dieting mentality was wrong, and it wasn’t working, but at the same time I was so terrified that I would gain all this weight, and then I wouldn’t be lovable or desirable anymore. That’s basically what it came down to, a deeply rooted belief that being overweight would somehow make me unworthy as a human to…. Be a human? I guess.
I have to give Trevor and his parents a lot of credit here. Trevor was very natural at creating a space for me where I could combat those body-image lies without shame. Trevor doesn’t comment on body weight, not about me, not about anyone. He doesn’t talk that way. Never once in our relationship has he said anything to feed my body-image stories. And this is where I credit his parents. Trevor has six sisters, and he has told me that his parents never spoke about body image in their home, they were very conscious in their effort to make sure that their children could be shielded as much as possible from the body-shaming lies that flood our culture. I remember this moment where I finally got myself to say the words, “What if I gain 50 pounds?!” Trevor responded, “Then you gain 50 pounds, and then it’s happened and you will see that life goes on, and I’m still here, and you are fine.” It helped quite a bit, but I was still freaked out.
After about five months of rejecting dieting I was still binge eating most of the time. My clothes were not fitting, I was feeling sluggish and foggy brained, and I just felt blah about myself. I felt out of control, but was fighting so hard to keep myself from attempting another diet because I knew that, as appealing as it sounded, it wouldn’t work. After all, the definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over and expecting different results, right? And yet I was still engaging in unhealthy behaviors; perpetually locked in the binge part of the cycle. Desperate for a different approach, I remembered this book that has actually been given to me twice by two very amazing women in my life. And finally, I decided to give “Intuitive Eating” an honest read.
This. Book. Though.
It gets to the core, the root of it all. It shows how dieting hooks us because the first diet usually works. It then describes what dieting does to our body and brain. It teaches about how our bodies don’t know the difference between dieting and starvation, and how dieting actually changes our biological processes to decrease metabolism and increase fat storage. It describes how our culture has gotten so delusional with body image and “body worship” that messages about body image and food consumption infiltrate nearly every setting in our lives. It tells us how we absorb all these messages, consciously and subconsciously, and have no idea how deeply rooted they are until we decide to look. It talks about all the “food police” in our lives, and in our minds. It exploits how we are sold the idea that some foods are “bad” or “sinful” and then taught to feel guilty for eating them. It describes it in such a way that all of a sudden I realized how ridiculous it is that a person would ever feel guilty for eating. It talks about how we are sold this idea at every turn that we can’t trust ourselves, and that we have to “control” ourselves from the outside-in. It reveals how we, as a culture, in the most well-meaning way teach our children out of listening to their biological signals.
And then, in the most healing way, it teaches how to tune ourselves back in to our biological signals again, and to learn to trust ourselves. It shows how unconditional permission to eat whatever, whenever, without guilt is a building block of trust. It guides through all the fears and questions that a dieter who has lost faith in their ability to regulate themselves might experience at the prospect of unconditional permission to eat. It teaches gentle nutrition, with a kind inner-voice. It doesn’t tout weight loss, it doesn’t really talk about weight loss, except for saying that when a person learns to listen to their internal signals again they will stabilize to a healthy weight/BMI; which is often lower than a binge eating/dieting weight.
It is remarkable. It takes a lot of mental work and effort and self-attunement at first, but after six weeks or so it is starting to become more natural. I had to learn what it felt like to be satisfied but not overly full, and then five weeks into the process I started to have this experience where in the middle of a meal I will all of a sudden lose interest. The food still tastes good, but I my body tells me it has had enough, I feel satisfied and full and I can continue eating if I want, but I usually don’t because the pleasure of eating is completely gone. I almost cried the second time this happened (I say the second time because the first time I thought it was a fluke). I’ve heard about this biological response before, but I literally don’t remember experiencing it before because my body and mind were perpetually in a starvation mode that was brought on by dieting. I was always so jealous of people who described this experience, and thought that I was just messed up somehow. I never even considered that it was dieting that had interfered with this process in the first place.
Other wins I have experienced: I’m not afraid of food anymore. I can have candy and treats around and not eat them. In fact, as part of the process, Trev and I bought a cookie jar, and I promised myself to always have home baked cookies in it (those are my favorite). I also bought candy to keep in my desk at work. At first I ate a lot, and I pushed away the conditioned guilt from eating it all, and worked very hard to re-program my mind to eliminate that guilt. And then, as I learned to listen to my body, I learned that there are certain times/situations where I will enjoy those foods more, and if I eat too much my body doesn’t want it anymore. It’s ironic to me that the amount of sweets that I eat now is less than it ever was when I was dieting because I don’t binge anymore. I eat enough to be satisfied, and then I stop thinking about it. I can go to parties and not hate/dread/feel addicted to the refreshment table. I went to a party a few days ago, and got to enjoy the experience of connecting with people without caring about the food that was there. Instead of leaving the party feeling overstuffed with heartburn and feeling guilty about the food I ate, I left feeling satisfied, having enjoyed a few treats, but feeling so energized by connecting with friends.
The principles have spilled over into the rest of my life as well. There is a section of the book titled “honor your hunger.” The entire principle is that we need to be attuned to our internal signals, and honor them. The American culture, and specifically the conservative Christian American culture has deep puritanical roots. The belief that a person is innately evil and must be controlled through an outside-in approach is rampant in conservative Christianity and more specifically the Mormon culture that I grew up in. “The natural man is an enemy to God” is a scripture phrase that every Mormon has heard countless times. “Bridle your passions” is another. “Humble yourself, like a child” is also used regularly, and the way it was shared with me always meant: do what you are told, because you can’t be trusted. This entire idea that we cannot trust ourselves and that we have to rely on some other source in order to know what we need or should/shouldn’t do is very fascinating, and completely wrong in my belief.
As the “food police” have been losing their power and influence in my life, so are the “soul police.” As I have learned that my body is not actually this gluttonous, lazy, sugar-seeking machine that cannot be trusted, I have also learned that my core nature is not a gluttonous, lazy, self-serving, salacious, compassionless machine that I must “bridle” or “control” in order to be a good person. I have learned that my body knows what it needs, and it wants the good stuff. The sugar and the lettuce. It wants the nutrients and the variety. It wants to exercise, to feel the blood moving through the veins and cleansing the body. I am learning to honor it (respect it), and it is trusting me in return. I am learning to love it, and appreciate it for all that it is capable of, without judgement on its shape, and I am starting to feel more and more grateful for it. For the breath of life that it gives me. For the way it protects me, and fights for me.
I am learning the same about my core. I am not some evil “enemy of God” that exhibits all the traits mentioned above. As I work towards honoring myself instead of controlling myself, I am finding that I still carry the core values of compassion, and friendship, and love and respect for the Great Creator, and for myself and those around me that I had before. I can reject the judgements of the “soul police” and allow myself to exist. I get to trust myself, no other person can impose on me what they think I need, just like no imposed diet is actually what the body needs. This may trigger some people into thinking I’ve become prideful. Perhaps think of it as honor. Not the kind of honor that means worship, but the kind of honor that means respect. I’m choosing to honor myself, my body, my mind, and my soul. I’m trusting that my Creator empowered me with all the tools necessary to live a bountiful, wonderful life. A life full of respect, honor, reverence, pleasure, joy, heart ache, kindness, and compassion. Stepping into this space is exhilarating. The future is bright, and it feels remarkable!