Healing

I can't tell you how nice it is to exist in a space where being gay doesn't feel so overwhelming or hopeless. Don't get me wrong, I still have my moments, but now it's less, "There's only one way to be happy and being gay makes that impossible," and more,"I believe I can be gay and happy but I'm not exactly sure what that looks like." I've learned that when I love others in the way that God created me to love, I only grow closer to Him. I feel like my capacity to love myself and others unconditionally has grown exponentially since I started to accept that I am gay. And I can see goodness in others and myself with much more clarity, untainted by paradigmic lenses. No more boxes to check. No more playing charades. 

When I first started coming out to people it was always very emotional. The stakes were so high and the fear was stifling. Every time I came out to a close friend or family member, I was forced to see myself through the lens that I had grown up with, a lens that made me hate myself and feel hopeless about my future. One that caused me to suppress unnaturally an innate part of who I am and live a half life. Every time I had to fight all the lies in my head again. "Being gay is wrong. Loving a man is not God's plan for you. You must hide that you're gay or else you will be rejected. You will not get to have an eternal family or live with God if you act on your homosexuality. You'll have to give up your integrity, morals, and your faith in God." 

I believed those things growing up and it drove me to do everything I could to kill the gay inside me. I chose to hate it, but I was only hating myself. And I had to be perfect in every other way to compensate for that imperfection and earn others' love. All that self-hate disguised in confidence and achievement just made me feel that much more alone. Like no one really knew who I was. 

I've always sought out deep and meaningful relationships. I've always had a desire to be genuine. Both of those innate and natural desires were always at odds against something else innate - my homosexuality. I didn't know that accepting myself for who I was instead of fighting it would allow me to feel more loved and more genuine than ever before. 

About a year ago I was reading Daring Greatly by Brene Brown (THIS BOOK HAS CHANGED MY LIFE - along with every other gay man and middle-aged woman haha) and was deeply impacted by the concept of "shining light on the shame." Shame is feeling like there is something innate about us that makes us unworthy of love and connection. So we hide the shameful thing in the dark until it turns into a monster that tells us we don't deserve happiness. The solution is actually to shine light on the shame by sharing it with someone you trust. When we allow others to see all of us and they respond with love, they prove to us that we are worthy of it no matter what!

I was sitting in the car with my sister Polly one night and decided to tell her I was gay. I was so scared. Not so much of what she would do or say but of opening the flood gates to all the emotions associated with it. I was mad at how complicated being gay and Mormon was. I felt tired of feeling so ashamed for so long and carrying such a heavy secret. I was scared of what people might think and what my future might hold. I was confused about God and the Church and my life's purpose. As I opened up to her I just sobbed in the driver's seat. When I finished, Polly held me and said,"I love you Trevor. That will never change."

That memory still brings me to tears, even though coming out to people doesn't anymore. In that moment I felt my heart start to heal. I started the process of believing I was worthy of love. I had let someone I cared so much about see all of me and she still loved me. As the love filled my being I realized I had never allowed myself to receive all of the love people had been trying to give me. I always believed they only loved the Trevor I let them see. Perfect Mormon Straight Trevor. I kept making their unconditional love conditional because I didn't believe someone could love me if I was gay. Coming out was like breaking the dam that had kept love from flowing into my life. 

I have been so fortunate. While some have struggled more than others to understand my situation or accept my choices, without fail, my close friends and family have said, "I love you Trevor. That will never change."

Sometimes they express concerns, warnings, confusion, doctrine, even disappointment, and I listen to it all. And it's hard. But no matter how hard it is to feel misunderstood and alone in those moments, I know what they're sharing is out of love. They genuinely want me to be happy. 

I'm still healing. Everyday I tell myself, "You are a good person. You are worthy of love and connection. You get to be happy." Sometimes it's hard for me to believe it's true. But I know I'm not the only one who struggles with that. You don't have to be gay to struggle with self worth. I'm just so grateful for the amazing people in my life who have loved me all along. They help me believe I'm worthy of love, even when I don't.