Embracing Complexity

Growing up Mormon I had been taught the answers to life's biggest questions: Where did I come from? Why am I here on earth? Where am I going after this life?

For two years I taught the answers to these questions to hundreds of people while serving as a Mormon missionary in Ecuador: We lived with God as spirits before this life and we chose to come to earth to receive a physical body and be given the opportunity to choose to obey God's commandments without a memory of being in His presence before this life. On earth, if we obeyed His commandments, we would be happy during this mortal life and enjoy the eternal blessing of returning to live with Him along with our families if they too chose to live His commandments. We wouldn't do things perfectly so God sent His son Jesus Christ to atone for each of our sins and be resurrected so we could be forgiven of our sins and also receive a resurrected body, both of which we would need to return to live with God. 

It seemed so simple and felt so familiar and right. I loved having such clear answers to questions many struggle to answer their entire lives. But embedded in this simply beautiful plan were requirements that felt impossible for me to fulfill authentically. According to Mormon doctrine, if I hoped for eternal exaltation, I needed to marry a woman in a Mormon temple. If I didn't complete this commandment I wouldn't get to be with God or my family for eternity. 

As a gay man, this particular commandment felt overwhelming. And the more I strived to obey it, the more hopeless I felt. Did God set me up to fail? Did I not have enough faith to fulfill this commandment? While Mormonism teaches a beautiful plan that leads many down a path of joy and happiness, I wondered if perhaps this plan wouldn't work for me. Could there be another way for me to find happiness?

As human beings we like to have the answers to everything. A simple solution to all of life's problems. A framework with enough structure and clarity to give us the confidence we need to take the next step and be sure it's the best one. But is it possible that maybe what we see as the best way for us isn't the best way for someone else? Could it be that things aren't so black and white? That they're a bit (okay A LOT) more complex than we'd like to believe?

If God truly is omnipotent, omniscient, and omnipresent, then we, being the imperfect human beings that we are, probably can't even begin to truly comprehend even a fraction of His plan for us. He's communicated incomprehensible, godly concepts to imperfect humans who have then imperfectly communicated them to other imperfect humans who have imperfectly understood them. How can we assume that every person hearing the same words, even if they are of the same faith, is understanding them the same way?

There are roughly seven billion people in the world! I can't even fathom how distinct each human's life experience is from another. Each of us is born with a unique combination of gifts and talents that shape the way we see ourselves and the world. Each of us is born into different family circumstances within a unique community that reflects distinct cultural values. Our personal collection of life-forming experiences is amazingly unique. How can we say that one path is for everyone? 

I was guilty of that for the first 24 years of my life. I had a neat religious construct that I could fit every aspect of my life into. I had all the answers. In fact, I had such a clear knowledge of what was right and what was wrong that I could judge whether or not someone was truly happy or if they were worthy of living with God after this life. I looked down on those who weren't as obedient as me. I pitied anyone who didn't have the knowledge I had. I knew I was right. 

It can be dangerous when someone believes that the way they see things is the only way to see things. That their "right" is the only "right." That truth only looks a certain way - their way. This way of thinking can cause us to see those not living our truths negatively because they aren't living the way we believe is best. Our bias can blind us to their goodness. Our imperfect judgement can cover their hearts. 

A close friend of mine said recently in a Facebook post "I am strong and brave because I live in the grey. It is not simple or easy but I am doing it, I am growing, and I am not alone." It is not easy to live in the grey, to step into the unknown, to embrace complexity. But that is where there is space to see, hear, and receive truths that don't fit into simple solutions or frameworks. And those truths matter.

Let us seek to embrace the complexity that exists in the world. Let us assume the best in others, even if they don't seem to live according to our truths. Let us believe that others' happiness can look different than ours. Though not knowing can be unnerving, believing can be beautiful.

I don't know if God exists but I believe He does, and I also try to embrace the possibility that He doesn't, at least not in the way my imperfect mind comprehends Him. If God does exist, I believe that His love is unconditional. I believe He gives all of us the space to find our truth. I believe He sees the raw goodness of each of His children. I believe that there are consequences to our choices but that no choice can keep us from Him. I believe that He has a unique plan for each of us, a plan that only He can completely comprehend. I am choosing to embrace complexity, to live in the grey, and trust that God will take care of everything I don't understand.